结束~~

长痛不如短痛，最终还是要面对，不需要再拖拖拉拉了，唉.........

An Unstoppable Landslide

After 9 months since I quit blogging, now I'm back here again. Why? I really need some place to release my tension and disappointment, and this is where I chose, sigh.

What's the point of studying hard when you know every time that you won't get any good results in return? I can't stop this unstoppable landslide, I really can't. I used to excel in all my exams during pre-u, always one of the top scorers. Even in primary and secondary school, I was always in the top ten in class. 

When I started embarking on this dreaded journey of medicine, everything started so well, I was one of the top scorers for the first exam, and I told myself, maybe having no interest in medicine wasn't that bad, maybe I can really do it!

BUT! Everything went down ever since. I've had 5 exams in total so far, and every SINGLE time, my results have dropped more and more from the last without fail. From 80+ to 70+, and then high 60+, mid 60+ and now, I'm left with low 60+. So much for always being a top scorer. 

Every time I managed to come out with excuses for myself, like maybe the exam was just too tough, or maybe I just didn't work hard enough, but this time, I really don't know what to say already. To say I studied harder than last year is simply an understatement, and what awaits me in the end? MORE disappointment! What can I do now? Feeling sorry for myself, licking my wounds, thinking about how different life would be if I have been smarter to change my course when I had the chance.

Honestly, I'm not used to being so stupid, I have always regarded myself as a smart person, someone who has the ability to help others, and now, I can no longer feel that way. I feel like giving up, I really don't know what to do. How low more can I get? Maybe 50+? Maybe even failing my exams? That would be a first, failing an exam. Oh God! Please help me in this period of difficulties, please give me strength, wisdom and determination. I don't want to ask for too much, I just don't want to drop anymore, please, please!!!

Hold On!

Sometimes you wonder, if you had hold on just a little bit longer, things might have been very different from how they are right now. But I guess, it's just not meant to be. Sigh.

Holidays, without my best friend.

Yeah, finally some much needed holidays are here! In another 5 hours, I'll be landing in Sibu to have my one week long raya holidays. After 4 weeks of intense MBBS curriculum, I seriously need my rest (though after this, it's gonna be 2++ consecutive months of much more grueling curriculum, sigh!). During this coming week, I really hope to have as much fun as I can, but it's just not possible as I have to study for the coming mid semester exam after raya holidays. T.T

Anyway, at this very moment, my best friend, Sing Kiet is on his way to US to further his studies. On Thursday night, Eric, Kuen Luen and I went to the airport to bid him farewell, as he's most probably not gonna come back in the next 3 years. Though the gathering was quite short, I think that memory will always be valuable and nostalgic in the future. We did manage to surprise him with some gifts in the form of a beanie, a card with our hearty wishes and a 2R photo of the 4 of us. They serve as early birthday gifts as well as farewell gifts to our best buddy, and I was glad he liked them. =D

Shall always be best friends!

As I have written in the card to him, me and him, we have come a long way in our friendship. From knowing him since primary 2 when I first moved to Sibu, till we graduated from Form 5 in secondary school, we were classmates for 10 years. In that period, our friendship evolved from being normal friends who fought childish fights with each other till we became best friends. In the end, that smartass got overseas offer from JPA while I could only stay local, haha!

We had our differences, we had our fights and quarrels, but I guess those are the things that strengthen our friendship even more. Now that he has left to US, guess I won't have anymore solo breakfast sessions with him in Sibu during my holidays already, too bad! I can only now wish him all the best in the States, and may our friendship never fade in the years to come. Good luck, bro!

My new smartphone!

Finally, I have gotten a new smartphone, Samsung Galaxy Nexus! I realized that I have never mentioned it, but for those of you who do not know, I lost my Nokia Xpressmusic 5310 more than a month ago in Sunway Pyramid when I went there to watch Madagascar 3. My friends and I searched all over the place in the cinema, the place we ate lunch, the car and even the washroom, but we just couldn't find it. Sigh, that phone had been with me for more than 4 years and half already, now it's gone. But the bright side is I finally have the desire to buy a new phone.


So after considering for quite a long time, I bought a Nexus. I was initially considering between Samsung Galaxy S2, S3 and Nexus. I really wanted to buy S3 at first, as it's a very recent model, but I guess the price of around 2k just put me off in the end. After much consideration, I decided that the prices of phones will surely drop in the future, so there's no point in buying the best phone out there. So with 1k++, I bought the phone above last Wednesday.


This being the first ever smartphone I ever owned, you can imagine how addictive it was for me in the past week. It's amazing how many things you can do with it, once you installed all the apps that you want. I just couldn't get my hands off it, and with all my syllabus cramming up, I was quickly behind pace in terms of my studies. So now, I'm controlling myself not to touch it too much daily, haha. Discipline! Control! >.<

First week of the new sem

The first week of the new semester is over now. Actually there are many things that had happened in the past week that I don't know where to start with. Well, first of all, I got my results of the first semester exam back on Monday. Honestly, I'm quite disappointed in my results personally. My marks dropped by almost 10 marks from the last exam, sigh. The only consolation was that I still managed to luckily get into the 'High' category. Guess I'll need work much harder for the next exam.


However, I have to say, I study in an environment where if your results are better than some people, you cannot complain or express your disappointment in front of them, they'll think that you're trying to show off. Seriously, guys? I'm seriously saddened by my results dropping, is it so wrong to be disappointed about it? I'm trying to be true to my feelings, but I guess people just prefer me to be hypocritical. =.=


Alright, back to the 2nd semester of year 1, the curriculum seems to be tougher and busier than the last semester, though ironically the timetable looks emptier. I guess that's what human anatomy does to you, all the bones, muscles, vessels, nerves and blah blah blah. However, I'm still affected by my holiday mood and am still so lazy that I can't be bothered to study anything at all yet. In contrast, most of my course mates have already found their rhythm even before the new semester started. Medical students are so scary, huh?


Anyway, to wrap up the first week, our batch had a 'Captain Ball' competition among the groups on Friday after classes. I shall not explain the game here, don't see a point to it, haha. The game required teamwork, so it was perfect for us to bond with our new group mates in the new semester. Though I didn't contribute much, I had lots of fun and my group got 1st runner up, haha.


Hoping that I'll get my rhythm back soon enough. ^_^

Acceptance instead of emoness

I have come to a point in my life where, instead of always being emo about my status and lack of attraction to the opposite gender, I have succumbed to the acceptance of them. I used to be always emo about being unable to get the girl that I'm attracted to, and feeling so down when I see all the couples around me, whether I know them or not. Well, those days are over, temporarily at least. Now, I've just come to accept the fact that I'm just not that attractive to girls, both physically and mentally.

Personally, when I go around shopping in some mega malls or night markets, my eyes are always wandering around looking at random pretty girls walking pass me all the time. Not that I'm a maniac, no, it's just human's natural reactions to beautiful objects, which in this case, beautiful people. But after a while, I realized that no one's doing the same to me in return. The fact is I'm just not a beautiful guy where females' eyes would follow. Based on personal extractions of others honest opinions in the past, the general view is that my physical impression is categorized as nerdy, too serious and most of all, typical. The sad truth indeed.

I can indeed say I would occasionally turn emo because of everything I just mentioned, but those occasions are becoming less and less. The reason is as stated by the title above, acceptance. Acceptance that beautiful girls are just not meant to end up with me. Acceptance that I would be the near last guy to be noticed by girls in a room full of males and females. And eventually, acceptance that everything is in God's plan and it would be meaningless to make an effort to chase attractive girls since I'm gonna end up miserably.