I give up!

From today onward, I promise myself that I will never plan any trip or vacation to go anywhere with them ever again. Somehow these days, whenever I suggest on going somewhere, most of them would reject my ideas, one way or the other. I guess my plans and words are getting less and less appreciated these days. 

In year one, I planned for a Langkawi trip, everyone was so enthusiastic and the trip was great. In year two, I planned for a Kota Kinabalu trip, the number of people who agreed was half the number in year one, but the trip was still awesome. This year, I tried to plan for a Thailand/Bali trip, and you've guessed it, it was never going to happen. I understand why it's difficult, because we'll be crossing the border, and this might be hard for some of them to get their parents to agree. Some more, money will surely become an issue. 

I really understood all of those reasons, so I decided that instead of making our trip further and further each year, I planned for a small trip to the northern states of Malaysia, such as Penang and Perak. Just when I thought I've finally gotten most of them to agree with my plan, they came out with their own idea of going to Taman Negara. In the end, most of them preferred to do that. 

I really felt like shit, like no one cares about my efforts to try to plan trips for them. Surely I understand their reasons, some of them prefer tough activities rather than going on road trips, some of them just rather not drive their cars up to the north, I really understood. But still, I feel like shit. I tried so hard to make something happen, whether it's Thailand, Bali or north Malaysia, but in the end it's all useless. Why do I keep planning when I know they won't accept any of my ideas? I'm even scared to propose ideas to them these days, because of the rejections that I might get in the end.

Sometimes I really wish I have a girlfriend who shares my common interests, maybe I can plan so many trips with her and everything would be so awesome. When that so successful Langkawi trip ended, I really thought I have found a group of people who shares my interest in seeing the world, in going to different places and in living life.

I have never been so wrong.

The day that I dreaded the most

After so long, you finally have a crush on someone. Ever since I gave up around 3 years ago, you have always been single and perhaps available. Because of this, deep down in my heart, I've always thought that maybe I still have that little bit of hope of winning your heart one day. Even though in this 3 years, I dated someone else or liked some other girls, you have always been in my mind, I've never forgotten the girl I regard as 'perfect' in my life. Now that you have finally found someone special, I wish you can be happy, and I'll be happy for you too if this works out. Perhaps I can be the 黄晓明 in your life, and you can be the 赵薇 in my life too. No matter what, I'll always care about you, look at you from afar, and pray for you. Just take care, okay? :')

Stop showing off!

Sometimes it's really annoying when some people think that just because they have girlfriends or really close female friends and I am single, that gives them the right to show off about it. There's a lot of reasons why some people are still single, maybe they just haven't met the right person, or maybe they have some personality imperfection, or maybe they just don't want to start a new relationship. No matter what the reason is, it doesn't give anyone who is not single the right to show off their status, assholes!!

For example, I have this housemate who broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago. When he was sad and emo and all that, he became very very close to another girl, so naturally people will start to tease them about it, and that includes me. So one time when I teased him about it, he went like "I know you're jealous la Albert, I know I can attract girls very easily, HAHAHA!" I was like what the heck, here I was still a bit concerned of him still being depressed of his breakup with his ex, he came around and bragged about his 'attractiveness to girls' to me, the heck -.-

At that moment, I really wanted to tell him that he must be really glad to have broken up with his ex because he wants to attract more girls, but I didn't. I already said this before, from now on I'm going to use this blog to express my emotions so that maybe I'll feel better afterwards. Reading all my three recent posts makes me feel like I'm a whiner, but hey, so so few people visit my blog these days, maybe less than 3, so yeah, whatever la.

My roommate

I've been roommates with my current roommate for more than 1.5 years now, and we've known each other for more than 2 years, so much has changed. We used to be quite close, I think. We were able to talk a lot, I would tell him what's on my mind, he would tell me random interesting stuffs, we could even joke a lot with each other. That's all changed now.

I'm not sure what happened really, maybe it's because of me, but I really don't know. Nowadays he just minds his own business, and he can go the whole day without talking to me even once. The things that I say most often to him these days are 'Hey, I sleep first', 'What time are you going to class? I follow you, okay?' That's about it, I guess. He won't ever tell me random things and really talk to me anymore. He always has random interesting dreams when he sleeps at night, and he used to share those with me, but not anymore these days. We don't joke with each other anymore, though he consistently does it with my other housemates. I tried a few times to talk to him, tell him stuffs, but he'll either ignore me or just says okay.

I don't think he realizes the change like I do, I don't think he cares, unlike me, who is really sensitive as I mentioned before. I'm not really sure what happened, maybe I did something wrong? Or maybe he developed a bad impression of me, like what I mentioned in the last post? I don't know what I should do about it, but what I do know is that I still need to stay roommates with him for the next 1.5 years, so no matter what, I still have to make do with it. Life goes on...

I'm back here, and I know why.

Well, I don't really know when I last posted in my blog, but I guess in life, when you can't find anyone close to you to confide in your problems anymore, this is where you end up, typing away to a lifeless computer, and hoping that this may somehow spare you some comfort. That is exactly what is happening to me right now, no more people to lend me their ears.

I have a bunch of friends in my course. They are nice people, always cracking random funny jokes, doing things together. I like spending time with them, I really do. But recently, I feel like I'm starting to become a nuisance to them, a problem. This is not sudden, it's been for quite a while now. I really do feel like sometimes when I talk, I create problems with my mouth. I know myself well, I am someone who is very direct, I will tell you directly how I feel about things, but I guess this gets me into trouble from time to time, and I think it has left a bad perception of me in all of them.

Just last Thursday, we were having a gathering at their place, and playing this game called Resistance. The game basically consists of two teams, where the Resistance team must figure who are the spies, with everyone not knowing each other's identity. So, this one time, one of my friend started accusing me of being one of the spies (which I was!), but to deny it, I begin to complain why he always accuse me. He replied me 'Why you always merajuk one? You always merajuk about everything.' At that very moment, I came to the realization that, this is how everyone thinks of me actually, someone who cannot stand anything and complains about every other thing. I was really depressed after that, though I try my best not to show it.

I mean like, I complained about so much stuffs to them, I showed my emotions to them, it's only because I trusted them, I felt like in front of them, I don't need to hide my feelings. Of course, I know it's wrong to feel unhappy about things, I shouldn't do that, and I should control my bad temper. But in the end, they all think I'm someone who 'merajuk' about too many things, who is too sensitive to too many things (which I guess I am), and now I don't feel like telling anyone of them about this.

In addition, a few days ago, one of my housemate created a whatsapp group for one of my friend's birthday celebration, and he kept asking us to reply in the group. So, at that moment, without thinking, I just replied that it's so weird that housemates have to reply in the whatsapp group just because other ppl are not replying. I guess it was stupid of me, not thinking that it was quite late and everyone would have been asleep. The next morning, I woke up to a whatsapp reply which one other friend said she slept already the night before, and 'plz dont try to create conflict for every bday planning'. I felt so bad at that moment, because it wasn't my intention to create any conflict, I just wanted everyone to reply more actively, and it seems to them that I'm someone who always create conflicts. To be fair, I did create conflicts for ONE birthday plan before, but I guess that was enough to create an impression to them of me being the creator of conflicts for 'every bday planning'.

So, what now? My bunch of friends here think I'm someone who 'merajuk about everything' and 'always try to create conflicts'. I feel sad, because I'm really trying to change my bad habits. It's easier said than done, so sometimes I feel like I should just avoid hanging out with them, so that I will talk to them less, and hence create less conflicts and have less a chance to merajuk about anything to them. This way, they can be happier, and I wouldn't feel so depressed too. But it's difficult too, to stop hanging out with them, because I literally stay with half of them in a house. Sigh, sometimes I really feel like running away.

I don't know how many people still visit my blog these days. I certainly hope the less the better. Maybe one day I will come to regret ever writing this post, but what is there to regret when none of them really cares about me anyway? In the end, I realized that, they will actually be better off without me hanging out with them :(

结束~~

长痛不如短痛，最终还是要面对，不需要再拖拖拉拉了，唉.........

An Unstoppable Landslide

After 9 months since I quit blogging, now I'm back here again. Why? I really need some place to release my tension and disappointment, and this is where I chose, sigh.

What's the point of studying hard when you know every time that you won't get any good results in return? I can't stop this unstoppable landslide, I really can't. I used to excel in all my exams during pre-u, always one of the top scorers. Even in primary and secondary school, I was always in the top ten in class. 

When I started embarking on this dreaded journey of medicine, everything started so well, I was one of the top scorers for the first exam, and I told myself, maybe having no interest in medicine wasn't that bad, maybe I can really do it!

BUT! Everything went down ever since. I've had 5 exams in total so far, and every SINGLE time, my results have dropped more and more from the last without fail. From 80+ to 70+, and then high 60+, mid 60+ and now, I'm left with low 60+. So much for always being a top scorer. 

Every time I managed to come out with excuses for myself, like maybe the exam was just too tough, or maybe I just didn't work hard enough, but this time, I really don't know what to say already. To say I studied harder than last year is simply an understatement, and what awaits me in the end? MORE disappointment! What can I do now? Feeling sorry for myself, licking my wounds, thinking about how different life would be if I have been smarter to change my course when I had the chance.

Honestly, I'm not used to being so stupid, I have always regarded myself as a smart person, someone who has the ability to help others, and now, I can no longer feel that way. I feel like giving up, I really don't know what to do. How low more can I get? Maybe 50+? Maybe even failing my exams? That would be a first, failing an exam. Oh God! Please help me in this period of difficulties, please give me strength, wisdom and determination. I don't want to ask for too much, I just don't want to drop anymore, please, please!!!