I'm back here, and I know why.

Well, I don't really know when I last posted in my blog, but I guess in life, when you can't find anyone close to you to confide in your problems anymore, this is where you end up, typing away to a lifeless computer, and hoping that this may somehow spare you some comfort. That is exactly what is happening to me right now, no more people to lend me their ears.

I have a bunch of friends in my course. They are nice people, always cracking random funny jokes, doing things together. I like spending time with them, I really do. But recently, I feel like I'm starting to become a nuisance to them, a problem. This is not sudden, it's been for quite a while now. I really do feel like sometimes when I talk, I create problems with my mouth. I know myself well, I am someone who is very direct, I will tell you directly how I feel about things, but I guess this gets me into trouble from time to time, and I think it has left a bad perception of me in all of them.

Just last Thursday, we were having a gathering at their place, and playing this game called Resistance. The game basically consists of two teams, where the Resistance team must figure who are the spies, with everyone not knowing each other's identity. So, this one time, one of my friend started accusing me of being one of the spies (which I was!), but to deny it, I begin to complain why he always accuse me. He replied me 'Why you always merajuk one? You always merajuk about everything.' At that very moment, I came to the realization that, this is how everyone thinks of me actually, someone who cannot stand anything and complains about every other thing. I was really depressed after that, though I try my best not to show it.

I mean like, I complained about so much stuffs to them, I showed my emotions to them, it's only because I trusted them, I felt like in front of them, I don't need to hide my feelings. Of course, I know it's wrong to feel unhappy about things, I shouldn't do that, and I should control my bad temper. But in the end, they all think I'm someone who 'merajuk' about too many things, who is too sensitive to too many things (which I guess I am), and now I don't feel like telling anyone of them about this.

In addition, a few days ago, one of my housemate created a whatsapp group for one of my friend's birthday celebration, and he kept asking us to reply in the group. So, at that moment, without thinking, I just replied that it's so weird that housemates have to reply in the whatsapp group just because other ppl are not replying. I guess it was stupid of me, not thinking that it was quite late and everyone would have been asleep. The next morning, I woke up to a whatsapp reply which one other friend said she slept already the night before, and 'plz dont try to create conflict for every bday planning'. I felt so bad at that moment, because it wasn't my intention to create any conflict, I just wanted everyone to reply more actively, and it seems to them that I'm someone who always create conflicts. To be fair, I did create conflicts for ONE birthday plan before, but I guess that was enough to create an impression to them of me being the creator of conflicts for 'every bday planning'.

So, what now? My bunch of friends here think I'm someone who 'merajuk about everything' and 'always try to create conflicts'. I feel sad, because I'm really trying to change my bad habits. It's easier said than done, so sometimes I feel like I should just avoid hanging out with them, so that I will talk to them less, and hence create less conflicts and have less a chance to merajuk about anything to them. This way, they can be happier, and I wouldn't feel so depressed too. But it's difficult too, to stop hanging out with them, because I literally stay with half of them in a house. Sigh, sometimes I really feel like running away.

I don't know how many people still visit my blog these days. I certainly hope the less the better. Maybe one day I will come to regret ever writing this post, but what is there to regret when none of them really cares about me anyway? In the end, I realized that, they will actually be better off without me hanging out with them :(