Stop showing off!

Sometimes it's really annoying when some people think that just because they have girlfriends or really close female friends and I am single, that gives them the right to show off about it. There's a lot of reasons why some people are still single, maybe they just haven't met the right person, or maybe they have some personality imperfection, or maybe they just don't want to start a new relationship. No matter what the reason is, it doesn't give anyone who is not single the right to show off their status, assholes!!

For example, I have this housemate who broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago. When he was sad and emo and all that, he became very very close to another girl, so naturally people will start to tease them about it, and that includes me. So one time when I teased him about it, he went like "I know you're jealous la Albert, I know I can attract girls very easily, HAHAHA!" I was like what the heck, here I was still a bit concerned of him still being depressed of his breakup with his ex, he came around and bragged about his 'attractiveness to girls' to me, the heck -.-

At that moment, I really wanted to tell him that he must be really glad to have broken up with his ex because he wants to attract more girls, but I didn't. I already said this before, from now on I'm going to use this blog to express my emotions so that maybe I'll feel better afterwards. Reading all my three recent posts makes me feel like I'm a whiner, but hey, so so few people visit my blog these days, maybe less than 3, so yeah, whatever la.

My roommate

I've been roommates with my current roommate for more than 1.5 years now, and we've known each other for more than 2 years, so much has changed. We used to be quite close, I think. We were able to talk a lot, I would tell him what's on my mind, he would tell me random interesting stuffs, we could even joke a lot with each other. That's all changed now.

I'm not sure what happened really, maybe it's because of me, but I really don't know. Nowadays he just minds his own business, and he can go the whole day without talking to me even once. The things that I say most often to him these days are 'Hey, I sleep first', 'What time are you going to class? I follow you, okay?' That's about it, I guess. He won't ever tell me random things and really talk to me anymore. He always has random interesting dreams when he sleeps at night, and he used to share those with me, but not anymore these days. We don't joke with each other anymore, though he consistently does it with my other housemates. I tried a few times to talk to him, tell him stuffs, but he'll either ignore me or just says okay.

I don't think he realizes the change like I do, I don't think he cares, unlike me, who is really sensitive as I mentioned before. I'm not really sure what happened, maybe I did something wrong? Or maybe he developed a bad impression of me, like what I mentioned in the last post? I don't know what I should do about it, but what I do know is that I still need to stay roommates with him for the next 1.5 years, so no matter what, I still have to make do with it. Life goes on...

I'm back here, and I know why.

Well, I don't really know when I last posted in my blog, but I guess in life, when you can't find anyone close to you to confide in your problems anymore, this is where you end up, typing away to a lifeless computer, and hoping that this may somehow spare you some comfort. That is exactly what is happening to me right now, no more people to lend me their ears.

I have a bunch of friends in my course. They are nice people, always cracking random funny jokes, doing things together. I like spending time with them, I really do. But recently, I feel like I'm starting to become a nuisance to them, a problem. This is not sudden, it's been for quite a while now. I really do feel like sometimes when I talk, I create problems with my mouth. I know myself well, I am someone who is very direct, I will tell you directly how I feel about things, but I guess this gets me into trouble from time to time, and I think it has left a bad perception of me in all of them.

Just last Thursday, we were having a gathering at their place, and playing this game called Resistance. The game basically consists of two teams, where the Resistance team must figure who are the spies, with everyone not knowing each other's identity. So, this one time, one of my friend started accusing me of being one of the spies (which I was!), but to deny it, I begin to complain why he always accuse me. He replied me 'Why you always merajuk one? You always merajuk about everything.' At that very moment, I came to the realization that, this is how everyone thinks of me actually, someone who cannot stand anything and complains about every other thing. I was really depressed after that, though I try my best not to show it.

I mean like, I complained about so much stuffs to them, I showed my emotions to them, it's only because I trusted them, I felt like in front of them, I don't need to hide my feelings. Of course, I know it's wrong to feel unhappy about things, I shouldn't do that, and I should control my bad temper. But in the end, they all think I'm someone who 'merajuk' about too many things, who is too sensitive to too many things (which I guess I am), and now I don't feel like telling anyone of them about this.

In addition, a few days ago, one of my housemate created a whatsapp group for one of my friend's birthday celebration, and he kept asking us to reply in the group. So, at that moment, without thinking, I just replied that it's so weird that housemates have to reply in the whatsapp group just because other ppl are not replying. I guess it was stupid of me, not thinking that it was quite late and everyone would have been asleep. The next morning, I woke up to a whatsapp reply which one other friend said she slept already the night before, and 'plz dont try to create conflict for every bday planning'. I felt so bad at that moment, because it wasn't my intention to create any conflict, I just wanted everyone to reply more actively, and it seems to them that I'm someone who always create conflicts. To be fair, I did create conflicts for ONE birthday plan before, but I guess that was enough to create an impression to them of me being the creator of conflicts for 'every bday planning'.

So, what now? My bunch of friends here think I'm someone who 'merajuk about everything' and 'always try to create conflicts'. I feel sad, because I'm really trying to change my bad habits. It's easier said than done, so sometimes I feel like I should just avoid hanging out with them, so that I will talk to them less, and hence create less conflicts and have less a chance to merajuk about anything to them. This way, they can be happier, and I wouldn't feel so depressed too. But it's difficult too, to stop hanging out with them, because I literally stay with half of them in a house. Sigh, sometimes I really feel like running away.

I don't know how many people still visit my blog these days. I certainly hope the less the better. Maybe one day I will come to regret ever writing this post, but what is there to regret when none of them really cares about me anyway? In the end, I realized that, they will actually be better off without me hanging out with them :(